Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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