I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
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He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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