and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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