BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
