If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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