after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
