I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
