Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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