There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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