Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
