glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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