Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
