If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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