I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
