I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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