I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
