The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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