I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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