i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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