Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize