Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
