he wants to bone in the snuggie
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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