Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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