She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
