I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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