My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
