rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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