i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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