dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
