Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
