You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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