Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I looked at my own cervix.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
