gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
