Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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