Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Congratulations! We have a period
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