there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
