i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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