If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
