My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
