so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
