And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Green mimosas i think yes
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
