you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
