also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
