I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
