Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
