i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
