Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
