My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
