I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
