She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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