I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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