so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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