chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
