i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
