You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
