I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
