Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize