now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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