She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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